Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust: This is a toughy...

Okay so i didn't really know what to write for this post that would matter to any of you to be honest. However, i have now chosen quite a sensitive subject for me. The only person who knows any of this only found out like yesterday.
Basically from December 18th 2011 'till January 20th 2013 I was in a relationship. To everyone who had the "pleasure" of meeting this boy he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and the relationship seemed a happy one. His huge teeth aside, he was a fairly good looking lad. Behind closed doors, however, was a different story.

At the beginning of the relationship, it was bliss. We only ever saw each other at weekends because i was in year 10-11 and he was at college or at work during the week. This made it easier for us because we had nothing to do with each others friendly lives but still had complete trust in each other. We never argued and everything was grand until August 2012 when he left college and started his apprenticeship with Calke Abbey as a chef. This was when he, understandably, became stressed, tired and angry more easily and more often. This began the last few months of our relationship. A relationship that i didn't want to end no matter how bad the days got.

On the last day of school before breaking up for christmas, a good friend of mine sent a broadcast on BBM (yes, i had a Blackberry, please don't judge me on my horrific phone choice) saying that if i was single i would "do him". Which my then-boyfriend didn't appreciate. Here marks the beginning of the controlling behaviour. He tried to stop me seeing said friend due to this broadcast. Baring in mind this is a then-17 year old boy i'm talking about here...

He wouldn't let me see any of my male friends which was a problem anyway but most of my friends were male. I became very isolated within myself. I still saw my male friends, no one could ever come before my friends but this caused very many arguments between the two of us. In which it was always me that ended up apologising even though i knew it wasn't my fault. I stopped standing up for myself and started believing every insult thrown at me (which was a lot because, as i have previously stated, my secondary school was a hell hole). I got angry at the really little, stupid things and took EVERYTHING personally. A few months after this started, it began to get worse and a few incidents occurred that i am not going to talking about at this present moment.

Saying all this though, i was still gutted when he dumped me the day before my SDME Geography exam. I remember my bedding was in the wash at the time so i still have mascara marks on one of the actual pillows. I put off most of my revision and my confidence in myself began to shrink at a rapid rate and most of this started before he dumped me. He basically broke me in every way a person can be broken and i still walk around Westfield on edge because i don't want to bump into him or spot him in a shop or across the walkway.

Since this relationship ended i went into a "self-destruct" mode. I would seek attention from any boy that would give it to me so that i could feel liked by someone again. This didn't go down well. However i went on holiday with my family, Meaghan and my brothers best friend, Sam to Whitley Bay (or Mindia as we call it). This is where most of this self destruct business ended. I started to feel much better about myself and i was okay with not being in a relationship anymore. I started to slowly regain my confidence and started standing up for myself again. Then Prom happened and i started college. Everything has taken a turn for the better now and i'm finally happy again.

As i said before, only one person knows about any of this and he's helping me to put myself back together. I hope any of my friends that could possibly be reading this don't get offended at the fact that i didn't tell them. I just wasn't ready to share with anyone at the time and this is quite a big step in being able to talk about it.