Throwback Thursday?

Okay so, it's been that long since I last wrote a blog that I can't remember what I wrote about! But I thought I'd do a little "Throwback Thursday" type thing and actually talk about the past couple of years and everything that's happened and all that jazz.

Right, where to start? Lets go back all the way to 2011 when I met a guy. Now I have previously written about my relationship with him so I'm not going to talk about him really so we'll fast forward to late 2012. I was still with him at this point BUT I had started my GCSE courses. This is where I rekindled my friendship with a very old friend. She was there for me through the boat load of emotional trauma that I went through with the break up of my relationship. She stuck by my self destruction and the idiotic decisions I made throughout the majority of 2013. 

At the end of 2013 me and said friend started JWC and met a whole new, diverse group of people. The first - and last - year I spent at college, I used as an excuse to blow off my lessons, party and get myself into some kind of trouble. I WAS NOT a good student. I don't know why but a lot of the people I went to college with used to tell me all their problems and, by no means was that a bad thing, it just got quite overwhelming at times and I sometimes felt very heavy because of it all. Not that I ever told anyone that because I liked that people felt they could trust me. However, I will be the first one to admit that I CANNOT keep a secret from the most important people in my life.

This takes me onto the next chapter of the story, although set in the same time. I have also previously spoken about my then-new relationship with Kyle (now a year and half in and still going strong) and my then-huge group of friends (now not so huge). Kyle and Keisha are the two people that everyone has to accept because they will 110% know all of your business whether you like it or not really. 

So results day was a nightmare because OBVIOUSLY I failed pretty much everything and because of my awful attitude throughout the year, I didn't get back in. Kyle did though and is now sitting his second year exams. That same September, a couple of weeks after Kyle started back at college, I got an apprenticeship in business admin at a company called Cloudbass Multimedia Ltd. It's an outside broadcasting company that goes out and films the sky football and whatnot. I am currently over half way into that and my apprenticeship man is coming in tomorrow actually. 

Me and Kyle have been together a year and a half now!! :D

As for my social circle, needless to say it's a hell of a lot smaller than it used to be. When college started I had a group of over twenty friends. The biggest, most accepting group of friends I've ever had. Throughout the year the numbers seemed to dwindle though. Relationships grew and ended and some really succeeded. Mine being one of them. Now I still only have contact with Kyle and Keisha. 

I'm still really close to Keisha and her family

Unfortunately, the old friend I started out at college with, did succeed with her A-Levels and progressed and got herself a good set of friends out of that group. Me, however, I have a nice little group of friends (of a variety of ages) that I met through work. A lot of people would say "aw they're just work friends" but they're honestly not. Getting my apprenticeship and working through some messy business with Kyle, really showed me that I can actually have such an amazing life. I have a car, a nice hefty wage, an amazing relationship with both my boyfriend and friends that I actually feel equal around. I even went to Amsterdam last month. That I paid for with my own money. Next year I'll be moving off of an apprenticeship wage and onto a full wage (meaning an even heftier wage) which means I can save up for a new car or maybe a flat of some sort, I haven't quite decided.

I lied, my circle is still pretty huge!

I love my life and I love everyone in it and I haven't been like that for a VERY long time. Maybe not since him, I can't quite pinpoint the exact moment but I know something went wrong somewhere down the line and I thank every person I have met since because in some way, they shaped me. Even the idiots, the hoes, the hypocrites and my own demons.

I think that's about everything so b-bye now :)


Paige x 

Mental Illness

Over the summer I took part in a four week summer program called NCS which is basically a bunch of random people being shoved together into a group and taking part in different team building activities and coming to together to raise money for a charity of the groups choice and making a difference in your local community by helping that charity. Our group did Heartlink, a charity based in Leicester (not local but still helps the people in our area through the charity) that focuses on heart defects in children, in case anyone was wondering. 

During this four week program I became inspired to help out a charity of my choice as well as this. I chose Alzheimers Society. A charity that focuses on dementia and mental illnesses within that spectrum. My family have been very closely affected by Alzheimers as my great grandad suffered with it for the last few years of his life. He died three years ago of a multitude of illnesses and unfortunately forgot a lot of close family members including myself, brother and mum. However, he never forgot my great grandma so I guess that's a plus right?

Afterwards

But anyway I did a Memory Walk on the 20th September this year in which I managed to raise about £250 with my sponsor money and the money I managed to raise through Justgiving.com. The money raised by everyone involved goes towards the care, cure, cause and prevention of dementia. Did you know that 36 million people in the world have Alzheimers right now? A huge percentage of those people - I think it's about 70% - feel unsupported after their diagnosis and that's a big part of what the Alzheimers Society are tyring to do. Get proper care for suffers. 

You get a cool t-shirt

I'm currently looking to do another memory walk at Woolaton Park, Nottingham again next year and if there's anyone who would like to do it just visit the Alzheimers Soceity web page  and search "memory walk" for more details. It's for such a good cause and I would strongly urge anyone to take part whether you are personally affected or not. The dates for this walk hasn't been confirmed but if anyone is interested, I'll let you when I get a notification about it.

Sponsor forms and stuff

P x

Change happens folks

I feel as though I need to write this because a lot of things have changed since I left college and, to be honest, if I don't write this it will just get more and more on my nerves thinking about it and it'll fester and all that jazz.

Basically I failed my A Levels. I failed them badly because I took the mick and skipped my way through college and the majority of my lessons. This meant that I could only stay on at college if I chose a course I wasn't interested in and the only reason I wanted to go back was for the people anyway. I decided to pass on the offer of several other subjects and get an apprenticeship instead. My official job title is "Apprentice Business Administrating Director's PA" (It's so long winded) at an outside broadcasting company - they film the football matches for Sky Sports and stuff - called Cloudbass (pronounced "...base") Multimedia Ltd. I have met so many new people who I see and chat to on a daily basis unlike the majority of the college friends I had previously made. 

I'm coming to realise that the people I once thought I'd never lose contact with are the people who caused me the most issues. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying that I regret meeting these people at all, we've had some amazing memories but I don't think there is one person in the group who likes everyone anymore. We all have a problem with at least one person. For some, a lot more. I keep in contact with Jack and Keisha regularly but that's all. I'm just not close to anyone else anymore. I don't really know them either and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I once knew them but we've all grown and changed in ways that not everyone will connect with. Everyone was bound to grow and change without me knowing anyway because I wasn't there to grow and change with them. I had to do that somewhere else, with different people, in a different environment. A lot of people don't understand me anymore but that's only because I've grown up in a different way. 

I have my fair share of differences with so many people in the group just because they've tried to force their negative opinions of my relationship onto me. I will never have the same views on it as them because I see what he is like behind the closed door and the armour and that other mean, sarcastic stuff he hides behind. Everyone is so wrapped up in what happened between us in the past but the way I see it is, if I'm looking forward in my relationship why are you guys looking in the past? I'm not bothered by what happened so why are you? I know some of them are trying to help and are worried but I want to be able to make MY decisions about MY relationship for MYself. We've been together a year, me and Kyle, and since I left college we couldn't be happier. Yet I still got hate on Ask.fm for being with him and trying to split us up and people in the group got the same hate to try and make THEM split us up. If you have that big a problem, please just say it to me and be done with it?

2015 is like three weeks away from today or tomorrow or something and I intend on staying the way I am because this whole "New Year, New Me" crap never sticks for anyone. I like the way I am right now and if anyone has a problem with it then that's all it's going to stay. Their problem, not mine. 
The amount of people who have a problem or a negative opinion about me is ridiculous yet so many of them don't know anything about me anymore. Don't get all up in someone's grill if you're not invited to the BBQ. 

I have nothing else to say other than if you grow apart from someone, that isn't anyone's fault. It's just the way the flow goes so if someone blames you for it, it's more than likely that they still have a lot of growing up to do. I'm not going to apologise for who I am or what I've become or whatever. 

I understand that reading this blog will probably sound really aggressive and angry but it's not supposed to. I'm actually fairly chilled about it all to be honest.


P x

The Future

To be honest I have no idea what I want to do with my life. At all. I get through college as easily as the next person and I feel like I'm actually starting to enjoy myself and fit in there. Until I have English but that's only for a few hours so it's not too bad. My favourite subject is, by far, psychology because I'm actually good at that and I understand the concepts of it a lot better than even the smartest person in my group. For a while I was considering the possibility of becoming a guidance counsellor because of my lessons on how the mind works and the fact that a lot of my friends have mental health problems that they talk to me about. I, as a person with no history of mental health problems, shouldn't be able to really understand what they're going through at the level that I do. This is why I wanted this career path. However, I'm now in the mind set of "I can't handle college and that amount of work never mind University". College and Uni have always been my chosen path in life. It's all I ever wanted to do but since September my attitude towards them has decreased. Is this a blip or my actual feelings? I don't have a clue. 
My very supportive boyfriend has been suggesting options for me based on what makes me happy like opening my own cafe. Which was actually a really good idea. I'd love to own my own cafe and my parents would be behind that (as they would anything I chose to do if it made me happy) because my mum owns her own hair salon. This would mean probably taking Business as an AS in September to replace English. As much as I would love my own business and run it how I wanted to, I can't help but wonder if maybe I should at least attempt to become a guidance counsellor. Helping people with their problems and giving them advice and being the person that they go to for someone to talk to is what I do every single day and I love it just as much as I love tea. The decision of what to do is forever on my mind and it's a tug-of-war that never picks a side.
I have a grand total of four people that I can fully open up to about this because I feel like the others, while trying to help, wouldn't really help all that well and that one certain person in particular would try and talk me out of going to Uni in the first place. I'm happy for everyone who does have a career path in mind and are determined to get there, I just wish I could actually pick something and stick to it. Kyle only suggested the business thing yesterday and it's already beginning to form into a real option for me. I just need to make sure that whatever I decide is going to be the best decision and is going to make me happy for the rest of my, hopefully, long and happy life.

Update on my boring life

It's been a while guys. I can't keep a diary type blog because not that much happens everyday and i can't keep a review type blog because i don't have the ability to do that and have it make sense. So i thought i'd just update you on my life. A joyous occasion for you...

So in my first blog i told you about my college courses and stuff. Yeah, not enjoying it so much. I'm basically counting the days until my English exam (hypothetically because i actually have no idea when it is) so that i can drop it and pick up a different AS level in September. I'm thinking Sociology or Law. Mainly because they actually sound interesting instead of learning about the different types of verbs and the technical names for lists. Psychology's going fairly well. Me and a guy in my class, Ben, are actually friends now so it makes the hours more comfortable. I've managed to stun my core studies teacher by going up two grade boundaries in two weeks. She thinks it's because i revise everyday but it's only because i've been turning up to all my lessons. Forensics still baffles me. I cannot, for the life of me, understand anything Bev says at all. I annoy Hannah all the time because i constantly ask her for help. She'll hate me by the time we leave. Saying all that though i do enjoy this lesson an awful lot. It's the only lesson i've been to all the classes. Except one because i overslept by like an hour... College is alright at times i guess.

I also mentioned The WolfPack in my first blog. It consists of twenty two people so it's quite a drama filled group. Recently though all anyone seems to do is argue or have relationship issues and stuff. I get along with everyone in the group but because it's a huge group there'll always be someone who annoys someone else and apparently a few people are only just realising this. It'll never be a stress free group. I will quite gladly hold my hand up and say that i'm an annoying little brat sometimes but i really don't care. Since beginning college i have become a lot more carefree towards certain things. Like i still care about these particular things just not as much. I obviously still go out of my way to make sure my friends are happy and if they aren't, find out what i can do to help. I love all my friends though and i wouldn't change any of them. (sorry. Being a soppy git now. oops.)

The last thing i mentioned on my first blog was my relationship with Kyle. You'll be happy to learn - or i hope you are - that we are still together and have been for nearly two months so it's still a fairly new relationship. We had our problems last week and we're in process of coming out of that. I'm glad we're coming out of it instead being stuck in that dark patch for ages like a lot of couples seem to be these days. I like having him around and, to be quite honest, he makes college a lot easier for me more than anyone else does. I appreciate him more than he thinks i do. His house is becoming my second home like literally. I've gotten into the habit of calling his house "home" now and everything and i stay over there like once a week. I  like having a best friend for a boyfriend. It's a lot easier but still has it's challenges.

I'm getting cheesier as this blog goes on so i'll leave it there. Hopefully i'll have something more interesting to write about soon.

Media rant

So i've been advised to "just be spontaneous" with this because i'm boring and do nothing with my weekends or have no serious amount of drama kick off in my life. The only time that ever happens is when i'm honest with somebody and it's me that comes off as the bad one so, obviously, i don't do it unless i have a particularly serious reason to. 

So aside from being a witness to my four month old puppy humping every available fluffy surface within reach, i have literally done nothing but watch Supernatural and organise my college folders. I lead an exciting life. So i've decided to write about something fairly mainstream but still a massive issue in my eyes and probably many others. 

Some of my friends at college suffer from serious self-esteem issues. Which is pretty standard for any teenager but in this society, it is growing worse.
The pressure to be "the perfect body type" is absolutely ridiculous. Young girls are being taught by the media from the age of like five that you are more superior if you look, act, speak and dress a certain way. I'm sorry but no. People should be happy in themselves and not dwell on what anybody else thinks. For example, Miley Cyrus. American child star who's career started when she bagged the role of Hannah Montana when she was eleven. She's now twenty-one and still people treat her as if she's suddenly going to throw on a wig and start singing "Nobody's Perfect" which is actually a pretty relevant song to this topic.

Nobody is perfect. So stop trying to be. The media has created a template of what they expect girls to look like these days. To be a model you have to be like a size 0-4 and have a "thigh gap" to walk the catwalk. I'm sorry but i'd rather see a dress on a plus sized model and have her work it than on a twig and see it hang there lifelessly. I'd rather have boring brown hair than bright red hair that fades in a week and starts to look chavvy and cheap. What i'm trying to say is be who you want to be. Wear what the hell you want to wear. 

To be honest, i find "not perfect" - on both males and females - a hell of a lot more attractive than perfect. Yes, when you are in a relationship that person does become perfect to you. But they will never be perfect in societies eyes. Perfect is unnatural. Who wants to be perfect when you can be normal and quirky? Why be thinner when you can have more dinner? You be "the perfect body shape" in your eyes. No one else's. Because your opinion of yourself is the only one you will have to live with forever. Not the media's.  Not a celebrity's. Yours. So make it a good one. You too boys!

- I'm aware this is a fairly cringy post but it's the only thing i could think to write of for long enough that it didn't look like a crappy facebook status.

This is a toughy...

Okay so i didn't really know what to write for this post that would matter to any of you to be honest. However, i have now chosen quite a sensitive subject for me. The only person who knows any of this only found out like yesterday.
Basically from December 18th 2011 'till January 20th 2013 I was in a relationship. To everyone who had the "pleasure" of meeting this boy he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and the relationship seemed a happy one. His huge teeth aside, he was a fairly good looking lad. Behind closed doors, however, was a different story. 

At the beginning of the relationship, it was bliss. We only ever saw each other at weekends because i was in year 10-11 and he was at college or at work during the week. This made it easier for us because we had nothing to do with each others friendly lives but still had complete trust in each other. We never argued and everything was grand until August 2012 when he left college and started his apprenticeship with Calke Abbey as a chef. This was when he, understandably, became stressed, tired and angry more easily and more often. This began the last few months of our relationship. A relationship that i didn't want to end no matter how bad the days got. 

On the last day of school before breaking up for christmas, a good friend of mine sent a broadcast on BBM (yes, i had a Blackberry, please don't judge me on my horrific phone choice) saying that if i was single i would "do him". Which my then-boyfriend didn't appreciate. Here marks the beginning of the controlling behaviour. He tried to stop me seeing said friend due to this broadcast. Baring in mind this is a then-17 year old boy i'm talking about here...

He wouldn't let me see any of my male friends which was a problem anyway but most of my friends were male. I became very isolated within myself. I still saw my male friends, no one could ever come before my friends but this caused very many arguments between the two of us. In which it was always me that ended up apologising even though i knew it wasn't my fault. I stopped standing up for myself and started believing every insult thrown at me (which was a lot because, as i have previously stated, my secondary school was a hell hole). I got angry at the really little, stupid things and took EVERYTHING personally. A few months after this started, it began to get worse and a few incidents occurred that i am not going to talking about at this present moment. 

Saying all this though, i was still gutted when he dumped me the day before my SDME Geography exam. I remember my bedding was in the wash at the time so i still have mascara marks on one of the actual pillows. I put off most of my revision and my confidence in myself began to shrink at a rapid rate and most of this started before he dumped me. He basically broke me in every way a person can be broken and i still walk around Westfield on edge because i don't want to bump into him or spot him in a shop or across the walkway. 

Since this relationship ended i went into a "self-destruct" mode. I would seek attention from any boy that would give it to me so that i could feel liked by someone again. This didn't go down well. However i went on holiday with my family, Meaghan and my brothers best friend, Sam to Whitley Bay (or Mindia as we call it). This is where most of this self destruct business ended. I started to feel much better about myself and i was okay with not being in a relationship anymore. I started to slowly regain my confidence and started standing up for myself again. Then Prom happened and i started college. Everything has taken a turn for the better now and i'm finally happy again.

As i said before, only one person knows about any of this and he's helping me to put myself back together. I hope any of my friends that could possibly be reading this don't get offended at the fact that i didn't tell them. I just wasn't ready to share with anyone at the time and this is quite a big step in being able to talk about it. 

Prom was a turning point for me

Whitley Bay made things better

Thank you